"Sir, I must know... was it delivered?"
"O'Course! You paid me well to make sure it was, M'Lord, and so it was!"
"Then my part is done...."
The young man reemerges from the cafe, his skin has the pallor of one who has recently been ill. He stands a moment, in the square, his eyes searching as if to see the shadow of a recent occupant, and walks toward the docks. His back to the city gates, he ignores the crowd around him and gazes out to sea.
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[Journal entry 11 July 1773]
Before a thought departs my mind, I must do my best to recount the recent past.
I stayed below deck for the entire voyage back to England. I had no appetite for sun nor for food. I felt as though I had been cored. Eviscerated. Where once a brilliant light shined, and possibility and hope danced a minuet around my heart, now all is barren and laid to waste. I am condemned to live a life with this Baron; a man I do not love... a man I do not even know. I feared that he would vow his eternal devotion to me, and then leave me alone in his manor on his lands, alone and without protection. I had no eagerness to fight this future; I had no eagerness at all. Papa's men looked after me as well as can be expected, as the hull of the ship slammed the ocean's waves; so great in its haste to bring the goods to shore. Ever the merchant, my father.
No sooner did we land ashore in Portsmouth than I was shuttled Northward, to Balcombe. A small cottage offered me a place to rest and when the maid walked in to tend to my hair, washing the dust of travel from my skin and dressing me in the gown prepared for me by Mama, I simply let her do so, and I admit to some relief that it was not Katie who they had sent.
It did not take long, and I was back into a carriage, bringing me to the small parish on the Baron's lands. I looked out, silently, upon the passing landscape, and tried my best to control the flood of emotions rushing through me. In the familiar surroundings of England, some comfort found its way into my mind and I swallowed back the tears of loss, willing myself to remain composed so that I might do what must be done.
Mama and Papa were at the small chapel to welcome me; and the tears finally broke through the barrier of my false courage. I clung to them, not knowing at all the part Papa had played. Mama soothed me, and Papa was such a vision of pride that I could not help but stand straighter, as the tears were wiped from my cheeks. Together, they brought me to my betrothed: The Baron Robert Clive, who much to my shock was far older than even I could have anticipated. I did my best to keep my expression plain and pleasing but the look in his eyes was quite unsettling.
Papa took the time to say a few words, memorializing their contract and then taking my hand, placed it in the Baron's. The deal was done. I stood a moment, simply unsure and in a state of panic, and the Baron led me before the Vicar, who until that very moment, I did not even see. As he began to drone on about the duties of marriage, and on the topic of love, I felt a strike through my core. This should have been Edward. I should have been in Belgium. This was all going terribly wrong.
I looked up quickly, into the eyes of the man who would be my partner on the journey of life, and saw not love, but something else. I had seen that look before on the faces of the many merchants who had come to see Papa. It was the look of a deal well made.
The ceremony both seemed to last forever, and to be over quickly. My mind was reeling from having been so recently on board a ship, then in a carriage, then dressed and coiffed with so little rest, and now here, and when the words were spoken that sealed my fate, it was as if a large bell tolled in my head. I was now the Baroness Clive. My identity was gone and replaced with another, as easily as changing the flowers in a vase, or a gown from day to evening. I turned to look at Mama and Papa and they looked so pleased, so happy. I could not help but smile for them; trying my best to be obedient, even on the heels of my great error.
Congratulations and goodbyes took so little time, it seemed, and the sound of Mama and Papa's voices were replaced by the creak of their carriage and then by the silent stand of trees. The Baron .... my husband.... touched my arm with his; crooked to offer me a place to rest my hand and I looked down upon it. His coat was of fine material. Gold thread created a line around the cuff, and gold buttons gleamed in the light. I may have waited a little too long to rest my hand on his arm, but he did not say so, if indeed he noticed.
He asked if I minded a walk, seeing as I had yet to see my new surroundings, and when I simply nodded, he turned, and we began to walk towards his manor.
On the walk, he pointed out this and that. I fear I did not pay much attention, and upon taking notice, he chided me, explaining that I would be lost without this knowledge when he departed tomorrow at first light (TOMORROW?! I thought) I simply acquiesced although I am no common girl who would be awed by such things. I merely nodded in what I hoped were the right places and followed his lead until we finally came upon the manor. It was finely built, with many windows, and smoke came from several chimneys, as his servants poured out of the house, eager to impress the new Baroness, undoubtedly.
The footmen were tall and straight, as expected, and many of the maids had kind faces, for which I was grateful, though I did still hold some suspicion of maids, perhaps these would be different. The Baron brought me into his home, and I had barely a moment to glance at the interior hall before we ascended the stairs. I thought it odd that he would expect me to rest so soon, but I thought perhaps that was for the best.
He introduced me to Anna, who would now be my personal maid, and bowed saying that she would tend to me until he saw me. I merely curtsied and managed a smile. I watched him leave as Anna set to work removing the yards and yards of fabric which lay upon me, heavy as a stone. She laid the gown on the foot of the bed, and I closed my eyes, relishing the weight that was lifted from me when I heard a noise.
The Baron had returned, and must have sent Anna silently away. The maiden of my so recent past cried out and as he pulled me to him, I began to beat on his chest. I know that I was supposed to be a good and faithful wife, but...
[several sentences begun, crossed out, and begun again]
I cannot possibly recount the details of this evening, but the Baron cannot have objection to my sharing one thought: Is this what all married ladies endure? It cannot be so. It simply cannot be so!
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At first light, Anna awoke Olivia to dress and see the Baron off. He met her in the entry hall and kissed her on the cheek. He said that he would be away some months, but that he would write, and she should do the same. The carriage groaned under its heavy burden, and as it disappeared from view, Olivia's face brightened with the possibilities of freedom.
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